24

When I thought about my twenty-fourth year of life, I always said that I wanted to be married, a film director, or something that was artistic and abnormal. It's now been three months since I have turned twenty-four and all I can think of, is my life is not where I thought it would be. And it has been freaking me out.

First, I'm not married, though I'm in a relationship with a nerdy amazing man who is more than I wanted or ever expected. I am finally on my own, with a full-time job and two degrees attached to my being. And yet, it still feels like it's not enough.

I feel as though I should be doing more. Starting a career...know what I want as a career. I should have figured all this crap out by now. I spent so much time in school, that I think I forgot that there is more out there. Being a student is easy. People tell you what they expect, how they expect their papers and they even give you lovely curves when they know the entire class is going to fail. Life isn't like that. And that is the part that I wish any teacher from high school to college would have drilled in my head more so than whether or not one version of a Greek myth turned play held traces of social commentary of the time.

As much as I loved my time in school and learned about so many different periods in depth or of writers that slipped through he cracks of my high school, I never thought of what to do after I finally graduated. Then it happened. I graduated with an English degree. One of the many humanities majors who had no technical skill other than the standard YouTube, Facebook, Google quality. What was I going to accomplish? What was my reason of being? I started feeling utterly depressed with my sudden conclusion that I just and not ready.

In my existential crisis, I have annoyed my boyfriend and best friend because they could see something that I couldn't, and still have some issues with seeing myself. They understood that for my age, I'm not doing too bad. It could always be better, but I'll eventually get there. Worst part of it all was that it was my supervisor who finally got it in my head that I'd be fine. He repeated exactly what everyone else was saying, but it was the look that he gave me which really got me out of my crisis. He looked at me as if I had two heads as he recounted the fact that I just graduated and got my own apartment. What more could I want right now (other than a raise, though I wasn't going to bring that up then)?

And so I thought about it. I could use a better paying job, but the job that I have now gives me benefits and experience that I can use to build up my skill sets. It gives me an inside into a city job that may lead to other city jobs which may help me stumble across something. My supervisor's look of "are you serious right now" made me realize just how childish I was really being. I was upset because life was not going the way I wanted it to. Because I had no control over nearly every situation. I started to realize that I was so not done growing up and that I still needed time to be reckless in certain ways. I take my life far too seriously and at times, I just need to let go. I can't control every aspect of my life...though I really want to, and I will seriously need to chill out and just enjoy what I have and build little by little for the future.

Or some nonsense like that.

Education System

In New York, there has been a lot of talk about the expansion of quality education and rooting out the problems with the system. The parents feel that it is inadequate teachers, as well as the Department of Education against them and their children. If it's not that, it's the mayor and his lackeys preying on the minority (which happens to be the majority, but that is another topic entirely). In all honesty, the real problem lies in the parents and the government.

The school administration can only do so much to help families out. A principal can do so much to assist a parent and their child. It doesn't help that most parents feel that their children are perfect beings that have been sent to Earth to enhance the lives of others by slowly eating away at their psyche. Nonetheless, parents find fault in the school system without taking some of the blame on their part.

I receive questions constantly on why a child did not get into a particular program or school. And despite (or maybe in spite) of what I am saying; there are parents who automatically feel that every issue needs to be taken to a lawyer or to the news media. Policy is policy to be quite frank.

If a program has a limited amount of seats and has a set list of priority groups that the selection methods are based upon, why do you think your child was not chosen?

In regards to the mayor and his fiends; a specialized school with an assessment that tests the abilities of the students who aspire to take said assessment, does not make it a racist (or excludes students based on race). If you feel that the SHSAT (an acronym for Specialized High School Admissions Test) has too many students that belong to a specific group, the solution is not to have a quota for races. If you build up the skills and the love of learning, then you have more students from different backgrounds that want to be able to excel on their own merits rather than their races.

It all reeks of disaster. Politicians with agendas and no brains, and parents with...this desire to bend the world to their will. The best way for children to learn anything about life is to experience disappointment. It teaches humility. The best way for schools to succeed, is for parents and the school staff to work together. But this is all just...wishful thinking. Perhaps the school systems of other states appreciate their school staff more...but in this day and age, I'm starting to highly doubt it.

I once wanted to be a teacher; with this crazy idea to open minds through the books that I've read. But now, with the nine students winning the lawsuit against the teacher's union in California, and everything that I've experienced in New York, or read in the news, it all seems like a waste. Why bother trying to get a child to learn, or to teach when all there is now are parents who don't know the difference between a great teacher and an awful one; or the mayor pulling the race card out of his sleeves like a sleezy magician,

-Alicia

Blank Page

So, lately I've been feeling like my world revolves around the male gender more than it really should. It's no different from when I was younger, or from any other straight woman. But since I've been growing and changing as a "blossoming" twenty-three year old, I've become aware and proud of my beauty (both physical and otherwise). Despite this new found acceptance of myself, I've also acquired more attention from men. Though the ones that approach me, I have no interest in and find it extremely annoying at their attempts (usually calling me "shorty" or calling out to me from the stoops of apartment buildings [seriously, do women really respond to that positively? Or maybe I'm just strange?]). While the men that I am attracted to (mostly white and absolutely gorgeous) take no notice of my existence and continue on their merry way.

If, by happenstance, I am approached or finally begin conversing with a man who I am genuinely attracted to, I get trapped in this state of them claiming that they want a relationship, but truly only have the intent on sleeping with me. Either that, or they will blatantly come out and say that they wouldn't mind hooking up, till I state my demand of a potential relationship, then the communicating ends.

I obviously know that this happens to both men and women, and it's extremely difficult all around as we are all trying to find that person who we are attracted to and can mesh well with our personalities. It still upsets me though. I look at happy couples, no matter their gender or race (though it gets horribly worse when I see and interracial couple of a white man with a black woman), and wonder how they got together. I want to know their stories, how they met, how many dates they went on before they became official, how many times they doubted that they would ever become a couple. All this I eagerly want to know, but then I think of how rude and stupid I'd sound going up to a couple and begging them to give me their history. Hoping for some ounce of knowledge that I can apply to my own life so that I can end this unforgiving loneliness.

My brother asked me one night, after I bluntly inquired if any of his friends were cute and single, why I want a boyfriend anyway. To be honest, that is a good question, of course I gave a horrible answer of "I haven't been in a relationship in two years!". I don't really know why I feel it's necessary to have a boyfriend. I don't believe that I need a man to validate my existence, because like Descartes, I know one thing to be true, and that is that I do exist. I also don't feel that I am empty. I have a pretty good life, though annoying. I have family that loves me, and friends when I want them around, I'm busy with school and work; so why do I find it necessary to find a man to be with? Is it because I feel like I'm lacking a sort of emotional component that I see present in the couples that I notice? Or maybe my loneliness ignores the other people around me and focuses one the fact that I am not in a relationship. Maybe it's just because I regret having the best relationship when I was never ready for one, and now that I am, I just can't seem to find something.

Perhaps the fault lies in the fact that I'm quiet more times than not, which most take to be shyness. Most likely, I'm just going after guys that are just not interested in me as I am in them. Which shouldn't make me question my own self-worth, but we all have our insecurities and it sucks to be rejected. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be free from this horrendous cycle. It comes to the point where I may talk to a man that I know I have no attraction to in order to fill my own useless ego. Then I berate myself for being an awful person and sigh in relief when we stop talking. Then I wonder how many guys I've talked to have had to deal with the same problem. Not wanting to talk to me, but finding it rude to ignore me, and at the same time, loving the attention. But later feeling unclean for doing so and then as the communication slowly trickles to once every three weeks to never again, they let out a sigh of relief and continue on their search for a woman they are into.

At most times, I'm highly disgusted with myself for these thoughts. I should be happy...or at least content with the life that I have. But I can't help it. It also doesn't help to get people saying constantly "Oh, if you stop looking, he'll come around", or "You just need to be patient", or the stupid line about kissing frogs till you find your prince. By the way things are going, my lips will falling off with the amount of frogs I would have kissed between now and finding this so called prince. Do I ever want a prince? I don't want to ride off into some proverbial sunset of faux happiness. I want a real relationship with a man who is willing to deal with my bullshit. A very simple request really.

-Alicia

Is it really worth it to copyright material?

A few days ago, my Creative Writing professor went on a rant (as he normally does) about the awful truths about copyright laws. Normally, I would disagree with him and his desire to be a modern hippie. But, on that particular day, the stars were aligned in such a way that I could not find fault in what he was saying.

The basic point of his long winded ranting was that copyright laws were not in the best interest of the artist, but in the interest of the corporations that basically leech off of the "talent" (this concept is up for debate in today's media) of the artists. In truth, I don't necessarily know when the copyright law came about, I would probably assume that it was sometime around the 1920's since Nosferatu was not allowed to use anything Bram Stoker related. On the other hand, that was also a decision on the Stoker family. Regardless, the information would be easily obtained if I just Google copyright law and scan through Wiki to figure out what it is exactly. Although it would be so easy to do, I most likely won't. 

The reason for my agreement with my crazed, overly liberalized professor is strictly based on another rant yet another professor of mine went off on. It was the same subject, different class. This professor was my Tragedy class. He is the quintessential professor. Absolutely in love with his work, incredibly intelligent, and could make anyone enjoy the Classics. His beef with copyright laws came up as we were reading a slue of tragedies from Ancient Greece; the usual Oedipus, Hippolytus, etc. 

There were no such things as copyright laws then, nor could they be since many of the plays were based on mythology that everyone knew of. It would be like the thousands of biblical movies made through the past fifty years or so decided to copyright each story turned into movie for their own. They obviously can't since more than half of the population (whether Christian or not) knows the story and knows the origin. Not even the Bible has a copyright...though I wouldn't be surprised if in the next few years, the Catholic Church decides that the Bible must be protected from anyone trying to take the word of God as their own. 

Nonetheless, even in the 1500 and 1600's, famous poets, authors, and playwrights didn't fight or debate what idea was theirs and whether or not they should be payed for anyone using "their" idea. They swapped stories, poems, and plays religiously, creating a giant community amongst themselves. Though, one could argue that many of these writers were rich courtiers that didn't need to have their work patented. But Shakespeare, Marlowe, and Spenser weren't rich, nor were they really apart of the court. Yet Shakespeare barely ever published anything during his lifetime and it was only after he died that his friends got his works together in as a service to him. 

If there were a system like that again, where writers would just pass their work around to each other to gain support and rebuild their community to a higher standard. It wouldn't be a career focused on money or what would be considered a "Best Seller" by some useless person. It would also help writers write more if they had the support of others and less concerned with what sells. Or at least, I think so.

Alicia

The Race Debate

Lately my mind has been on love a lot, probably because it's something that I've been looking for more now than I have previously. Regardless, there has been a huge discussion for decades based on the racial dating, and every few years the topic seems to make its appearance into my life. It's attachment to me comes along with my own personal preference in regards to the men I date, have dated, or seek out.

My little tale starts with the first few instances of my mother trying to control some aspect of my life and belittle my father all in one fatal blow. Her words to me were always the same as the years progressed (surprisingly it would change recently). She would stare at me with her haughty, "holier-than-thou" dark brown eyes and say, "Marry a rich white man. Don't marry a poor black man like your father."

At six, I had no clue what that really meant. I loved my dad and was a daddy's girl for as long as I could remember. But race (or wealth) never seemed to be much of a factor in my life. In my kindergarten, I received my first kiss (albeit, it was on my cheek) from a little boy with his blond hair in the hideous mushroom cut of the 90's. But as I grew up, I made friends from different races, never really seeing much of a difference between us. 

I did, however, notice that my attraction for the opposite sex was geared more towards boys who were white. I didn't think it was strange or abnormal. It was just, I am a girl, he is a boy, and I think he's cute. Later I would find out that apparently, it is perceived by others as strange. I found out that black men would make comments as loud as they possibly could at the fact that I was walking and holding the hand of a white man. That older white couples would blatantly stare as if we were a two headed creature. That my female black coworkers would make a fuss about who I dated and why I was "a race traitor".

None of it made sense to me. I never considered it to be any different from them meeting someone and finding that there was an attraction. 

There is always a sense of fear that you aren't good enough, the desire to make their parents like you a bit more than any other girlfriend they may have brought over in the past. The thought that they won't take the initiative because their parents or friends would prefer them to date "their own kind". The idea that they may not even be attracted to you because of all the stigmas that are just against you at every turn. 

A lot of the time, first encounters can barely even happen because of  some fear. And even if you've established a relationship, there is still more fear on top of that. The worst part of it is, finding a guy that you really like. Wanting to be with this guy, getting to know him. And then finding out that, although he finds you funny, charming, smart, beautiful, and all the other adjectives he can possibly think of, he still won't date you. But, that doesn't stop him from trying to sleep with you. But that is something that happens no matter what race you or the other person belongs to. 

Personally, I don't get why it's considered interracial dating. Races don't exist to me. I date and am attracted to whomever. It is no different that two people of the same race (or even gender) being attracted to one another. And yet, more so than any other coupling, there seems to be this black cloud hanging over the thought of white men and black women together. It's just ridiculous.

Changes

This thought has been reoccurring in my mind for some time. It first came up during a conversation I had with a male friend about his girlfriend.

Long story short, she gave him the trick question of, "Out of all of the girls you loved, who did you love the most?" Just to state, this is unfair for any woman (or person) to ask a man(or anyone you love) this question (and this coming from a female perspective). I don't mean that this is unfair because how can he simply choose which person he loved the most from whatever number of women he actually, legitimately loved, but it's unfair because those women were in different parts of his life in which he was a different person.

I don't believe anyone can truly say that they are in love with their current partner more so than they were with an ex. We all grow and change, so the people who you were friends with, the person you were in a relationship with at one point in your life, are no longer the same...just as you would no long be the same.

I guess the best example is (if you older than eighteen), the high school sweetheart. There are many exceptions or people who have stayed with whomever they were dating in high school and ended up marrying them (with both good and bad results); but the majority of people who have a relationship in high school, idealize the actual person and relationship during or even years after. But the fact remains that you are a different person now than you were in high school. You have different likes, dislikes, new perceptions on the world and on people. Your mind (supposedly) is more open from the experiences you've had between then and now. That is just you as a person. Then you take that ideology of growing and changing and expanding your knowledge of the world and people in it and you apply that to every person you knew extremely well at whatever point in your life. Your experiences will differ, your thoughts are no longer the same. If they were your childhood best friend, they no longer find the same things funny. If they were your significant other, they are no longer the person that you fell in love with. This happens over months or years.

Either way, our experiences cause us to follow different paths, allowing us to meet people who are more like the person we are turning into. Which is why I could never understand people who are divorced (or if a couple broke up), finding out their ex is doing something "unlike them". It wasn't like them at the time, perhaps it was just an urge that they wanted to fulfill; either way, it's wrong to assume that you truly know a person just because you're close to them. Even a person who has been in your life for a multitude of years can surprise you.

~Alicia

Love, It's Who You Know

"Most sacred fyre, that burnest mightily In living brests, ykindled first above, Emongst th'eternall spheres and lamping sky, And thence pourd into men which men call Love; Not the same, which doth base affections move In brutish mindes, and filthy lust inflame, But that sweete fit, that doth true beautie loe, And choseth vertue of his dearest Dame, Whence spring all noble deedes and never dying fame:" -Edmund Spenser The Faerie Queen

Everyone talks about love. It's probably the most over discussed part of life. Who you love, who's in love with you, do you really love this person, how can you tell? Whatever the question, whatever the answer, everyone loves to talk about love and give their advice (which is majority of the time not the best). Either way, what is it really?

 I had a professor ask my class that same question as we were discussing Aphrodite and her false association to love. No one really had an answer. There were a few "well it's a feeling" or "it's when you're being all mushy and feeling all fuzzy". My favorite response was giving by a girl who considered love to be "too materialistic". And she's right, the whole courting ritual is too materialistic. To show that you're interested in someone, you have to give something and assume that you'll be receiving something in the end. But can that really be considered to be love? Or is it really just a feeling of mutual attraction that exceeds the physical? Is it the attraction of a person's personality? Or a mixture between the depth of a person and their shallowness of their exterior? (Why I worded that question as such is a mystery to myself as well)

It seems like there are far more questions than answers for what love is, so how can a person even think themselves to be in love? Some people would simply say, "well, when you know, you just know." That isn't an answer. If you know you're in love, you should know the reasons as to why and know what it really is. Then there's the argument that love means different things for different people. There are different types of love, but for romantic love, I would assume that it means the same for everyone.

I love the quote above taken from Book Three of the Faerie Queen. This is Spenser's definition of love. That is is heaven born, transcending into our mortal bodies, that uplifts us to do "noble" things. He then compares love to lust, calling the latter base. It seems more likely that people lust instead of love. Perhaps I could be wrong, but experience states otherwise. But this still brings me back to the beginning. If we only lust, then how can we love? Is there a way to tell the difference? And if so, then what is love? It always seems to start and end with that question.

Alicia