The Race Debate

Lately my mind has been on love a lot, probably because it's something that I've been looking for more now than I have previously. Regardless, there has been a huge discussion for decades based on the racial dating, and every few years the topic seems to make its appearance into my life. It's attachment to me comes along with my own personal preference in regards to the men I date, have dated, or seek out.

My little tale starts with the first few instances of my mother trying to control some aspect of my life and belittle my father all in one fatal blow. Her words to me were always the same as the years progressed (surprisingly it would change recently). She would stare at me with her haughty, "holier-than-thou" dark brown eyes and say, "Marry a rich white man. Don't marry a poor black man like your father."

At six, I had no clue what that really meant. I loved my dad and was a daddy's girl for as long as I could remember. But race (or wealth) never seemed to be much of a factor in my life. In my kindergarten, I received my first kiss (albeit, it was on my cheek) from a little boy with his blond hair in the hideous mushroom cut of the 90's. But as I grew up, I made friends from different races, never really seeing much of a difference between us. 

I did, however, notice that my attraction for the opposite sex was geared more towards boys who were white. I didn't think it was strange or abnormal. It was just, I am a girl, he is a boy, and I think he's cute. Later I would find out that apparently, it is perceived by others as strange. I found out that black men would make comments as loud as they possibly could at the fact that I was walking and holding the hand of a white man. That older white couples would blatantly stare as if we were a two headed creature. That my female black coworkers would make a fuss about who I dated and why I was "a race traitor".

None of it made sense to me. I never considered it to be any different from them meeting someone and finding that there was an attraction. 

There is always a sense of fear that you aren't good enough, the desire to make their parents like you a bit more than any other girlfriend they may have brought over in the past. The thought that they won't take the initiative because their parents or friends would prefer them to date "their own kind". The idea that they may not even be attracted to you because of all the stigmas that are just against you at every turn. 

A lot of the time, first encounters can barely even happen because of  some fear. And even if you've established a relationship, there is still more fear on top of that. The worst part of it is, finding a guy that you really like. Wanting to be with this guy, getting to know him. And then finding out that, although he finds you funny, charming, smart, beautiful, and all the other adjectives he can possibly think of, he still won't date you. But, that doesn't stop him from trying to sleep with you. But that is something that happens no matter what race you or the other person belongs to. 

Personally, I don't get why it's considered interracial dating. Races don't exist to me. I date and am attracted to whomever. It is no different that two people of the same race (or even gender) being attracted to one another. And yet, more so than any other coupling, there seems to be this black cloud hanging over the thought of white men and black women together. It's just ridiculous.

Changes

This thought has been reoccurring in my mind for some time. It first came up during a conversation I had with a male friend about his girlfriend.

Long story short, she gave him the trick question of, "Out of all of the girls you loved, who did you love the most?" Just to state, this is unfair for any woman (or person) to ask a man(or anyone you love) this question (and this coming from a female perspective). I don't mean that this is unfair because how can he simply choose which person he loved the most from whatever number of women he actually, legitimately loved, but it's unfair because those women were in different parts of his life in which he was a different person.

I don't believe anyone can truly say that they are in love with their current partner more so than they were with an ex. We all grow and change, so the people who you were friends with, the person you were in a relationship with at one point in your life, are no longer the same...just as you would no long be the same.

I guess the best example is (if you older than eighteen), the high school sweetheart. There are many exceptions or people who have stayed with whomever they were dating in high school and ended up marrying them (with both good and bad results); but the majority of people who have a relationship in high school, idealize the actual person and relationship during or even years after. But the fact remains that you are a different person now than you were in high school. You have different likes, dislikes, new perceptions on the world and on people. Your mind (supposedly) is more open from the experiences you've had between then and now. That is just you as a person. Then you take that ideology of growing and changing and expanding your knowledge of the world and people in it and you apply that to every person you knew extremely well at whatever point in your life. Your experiences will differ, your thoughts are no longer the same. If they were your childhood best friend, they no longer find the same things funny. If they were your significant other, they are no longer the person that you fell in love with. This happens over months or years.

Either way, our experiences cause us to follow different paths, allowing us to meet people who are more like the person we are turning into. Which is why I could never understand people who are divorced (or if a couple broke up), finding out their ex is doing something "unlike them". It wasn't like them at the time, perhaps it was just an urge that they wanted to fulfill; either way, it's wrong to assume that you truly know a person just because you're close to them. Even a person who has been in your life for a multitude of years can surprise you.

~Alicia

Love, It's Who You Know

"Most sacred fyre, that burnest mightily In living brests, ykindled first above, Emongst th'eternall spheres and lamping sky, And thence pourd into men which men call Love; Not the same, which doth base affections move In brutish mindes, and filthy lust inflame, But that sweete fit, that doth true beautie loe, And choseth vertue of his dearest Dame, Whence spring all noble deedes and never dying fame:" -Edmund Spenser The Faerie Queen

Everyone talks about love. It's probably the most over discussed part of life. Who you love, who's in love with you, do you really love this person, how can you tell? Whatever the question, whatever the answer, everyone loves to talk about love and give their advice (which is majority of the time not the best). Either way, what is it really?

 I had a professor ask my class that same question as we were discussing Aphrodite and her false association to love. No one really had an answer. There were a few "well it's a feeling" or "it's when you're being all mushy and feeling all fuzzy". My favorite response was giving by a girl who considered love to be "too materialistic". And she's right, the whole courting ritual is too materialistic. To show that you're interested in someone, you have to give something and assume that you'll be receiving something in the end. But can that really be considered to be love? Or is it really just a feeling of mutual attraction that exceeds the physical? Is it the attraction of a person's personality? Or a mixture between the depth of a person and their shallowness of their exterior? (Why I worded that question as such is a mystery to myself as well)

It seems like there are far more questions than answers for what love is, so how can a person even think themselves to be in love? Some people would simply say, "well, when you know, you just know." That isn't an answer. If you know you're in love, you should know the reasons as to why and know what it really is. Then there's the argument that love means different things for different people. There are different types of love, but for romantic love, I would assume that it means the same for everyone.

I love the quote above taken from Book Three of the Faerie Queen. This is Spenser's definition of love. That is is heaven born, transcending into our mortal bodies, that uplifts us to do "noble" things. He then compares love to lust, calling the latter base. It seems more likely that people lust instead of love. Perhaps I could be wrong, but experience states otherwise. But this still brings me back to the beginning. If we only lust, then how can we love? Is there a way to tell the difference? And if so, then what is love? It always seems to start and end with that question.

Alicia

And so, it begins.

And so it begins. I guess I should start off with a little introduction of myself. I was born, I grew up and I continue to live. That is the vaguest description of myself that I could quickly come up with. But to at least put myself out there in a small way; I was born and raised in New York to an old school Jamaican family. I am the youngest, and was somewhat spoiled being the "only" girl (there are quotations for only for a reason). As of now, I am in school (still...) and learning what I want out of life. For some reason, I was given this notion that we just know what we want from life and how we would get it. I always assumed that if you didn't have a plan, no matter how minute or impossible it was, you have failed in life. But is there truly a way to fail life? Is it actually possible to be on your death bed, looking back on life and not being able to think of one moment that made you so happy, or that made you feel accomplished? Perhaps we put too much emphasis on what we should, or have to, do in order to succeed. Instead, we should take the moments as they come, good and bad, and enjoy the fact that we are alive and that we do exist, and that someone loves us.

Alicia