So, lately I've been feeling like my world revolves around the male gender more than it really should. It's no different from when I was younger, or from any other straight woman. But since I've been growing and changing as a "blossoming" twenty-three year old, I've become aware and proud of my beauty (both physical and otherwise). Despite this new found acceptance of myself, I've also acquired more attention from men. Though the ones that approach me, I have no interest in and find it extremely annoying at their attempts (usually calling me "shorty" or calling out to me from the stoops of apartment buildings [seriously, do women really respond to that positively? Or maybe I'm just strange?]). While the men that I am attracted to (mostly white and absolutely gorgeous) take no notice of my existence and continue on their merry way.
If, by happenstance, I am approached or finally begin conversing with a man who I am genuinely attracted to, I get trapped in this state of them claiming that they want a relationship, but truly only have the intent on sleeping with me. Either that, or they will blatantly come out and say that they wouldn't mind hooking up, till I state my demand of a potential relationship, then the communicating ends.
I obviously know that this happens to both men and women, and it's extremely difficult all around as we are all trying to find that person who we are attracted to and can mesh well with our personalities. It still upsets me though. I look at happy couples, no matter their gender or race (though it gets horribly worse when I see and interracial couple of a white man with a black woman), and wonder how they got together. I want to know their stories, how they met, how many dates they went on before they became official, how many times they doubted that they would ever become a couple. All this I eagerly want to know, but then I think of how rude and stupid I'd sound going up to a couple and begging them to give me their history. Hoping for some ounce of knowledge that I can apply to my own life so that I can end this unforgiving loneliness.
My brother asked me one night, after I bluntly inquired if any of his friends were cute and single, why I want a boyfriend anyway. To be honest, that is a good question, of course I gave a horrible answer of "I haven't been in a relationship in two years!". I don't really know why I feel it's necessary to have a boyfriend. I don't believe that I need a man to validate my existence, because like Descartes, I know one thing to be true, and that is that I do exist. I also don't feel that I am empty. I have a pretty good life, though annoying. I have family that loves me, and friends when I want them around, I'm busy with school and work; so why do I find it necessary to find a man to be with? Is it because I feel like I'm lacking a sort of emotional component that I see present in the couples that I notice? Or maybe my loneliness ignores the other people around me and focuses one the fact that I am not in a relationship. Maybe it's just because I regret having the best relationship when I was never ready for one, and now that I am, I just can't seem to find something.
Perhaps the fault lies in the fact that I'm quiet more times than not, which most take to be shyness. Most likely, I'm just going after guys that are just not interested in me as I am in them. Which shouldn't make me question my own self-worth, but we all have our insecurities and it sucks to be rejected. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be free from this horrendous cycle. It comes to the point where I may talk to a man that I know I have no attraction to in order to fill my own useless ego. Then I berate myself for being an awful person and sigh in relief when we stop talking. Then I wonder how many guys I've talked to have had to deal with the same problem. Not wanting to talk to me, but finding it rude to ignore me, and at the same time, loving the attention. But later feeling unclean for doing so and then as the communication slowly trickles to once every three weeks to never again, they let out a sigh of relief and continue on their search for a woman they are into.
At most times, I'm highly disgusted with myself for these thoughts. I should be happy...or at least content with the life that I have. But I can't help it. It also doesn't help to get people saying constantly "Oh, if you stop looking, he'll come around", or "You just need to be patient", or the stupid line about kissing frogs till you find your prince. By the way things are going, my lips will falling off with the amount of frogs I would have kissed between now and finding this so called prince. Do I ever want a prince? I don't want to ride off into some proverbial sunset of faux happiness. I want a real relationship with a man who is willing to deal with my bullshit. A very simple request really.
-Alicia
